Couples Therapy in Virginia & Tennessee
Online Couples Therapy for partners in Virginia and Tennessee
Are the two of you having the same argument over and over?
You know it is not about the dishes. You knew it while you were doing it.
Most couples who come to me are not fighting about the thing they are fighting about. They are fighting about the same three or four things they have been circling for years, wearing the costume of whatever happened this week. The dishes. The text that took six hours to answer. Who is more tired.
Underneath it, almost always, are the same two questions. Do I matter to you? Can I count on you?
Those questions rarely get asked out loud, because asking them requires more softness than either of you has left at nine o'clock on a Tuesday. So they come out sideways, as criticism or as silence, and the other person hears the sideways version and answers that instead. Then you are both defending yourselves against something neither of you meant.
That pattern is not a sign that you picked the wrong person. It is a sign that the two of you got stuck in a loop. Loops are workable.
My approach to couples therapy
I am not a referee and I am not there to decide who is right. What we do instead is slow the loop down. We find the point in the cycle where it always turns, and we look at what each of you is feeling right before it does. Almost always it is something more vulnerable than what comes out of your mouth. Hurt underneath anger. Fear underneath withdrawal. Then we practice saying the real thing instead of the armored version, out loud, in session, awkwardly at first. That is where the change lives.
Together we will...
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Interrupt the pursue-and-withdraw cycle before it escalates.
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Say the real thing instead of the armored version.
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Rebuild trust after a betrayal, an affair, or a lie about money.
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Find each other again after becoming parents.
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Talk about sex, money and family without it turning into a fight.
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Decide, honestly, what you both want this relationship to be.
Most couples wait six years between knowing something is wrong and asking for help. You can start with fifteen minutes.